i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
