Whod you bang
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
