I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
bring money and cleavage
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
