My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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