I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
