I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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