Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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