i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I pour the whiskey from now on
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
