Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
