Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
