dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
