Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
