If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
