I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize