once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
