did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
