I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
