Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
