I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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