So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
