You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
