ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
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