Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
