drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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