this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
