Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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