my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
do herpes really smell.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
