she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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