you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
