my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I didn't notice because vodka
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
