maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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