Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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