so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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