i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
