I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
