the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
