Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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