If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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