I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
