there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
