Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
