i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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