I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
