i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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