OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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