my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
