I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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