Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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