my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
