i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
