hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
We had to coat check the pizza.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
