Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
