He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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