$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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