I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
