I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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