I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
