I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
