my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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