mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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