my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
