My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Just puked most of my soul out..
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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