If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
The air was thick with penises
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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