My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
