hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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